Take Me To Post Comment Form This week, we commemorate the pivotal moment in our nation’s history when we declared our independence from the “mother land and began the journey to become an independent nation. I find it interesting that, until recently, this event had merely historical significance for me. Now, after having become a parent and working in this field, I see an interesting parallel to what happens with our kids.
We give birth to precious babies who require our constant care and attention. We put forth great effort in providing them with a safe place to live, food, clothes, love and affection. We nurture their development and celebrate their milestones.
And then, one day, they turn on us. They declare their independence. Their Declaration of Independence is often delivered over a series of months or years as they break free and realize what it means to “grow up and be on their own. (I put grow up in quotes because I haven’t met a lot of adults who are truly “grown up – myself included!)
Just like America’s break from Britain, this journey to independence is not without strife, angst and many battles. We, as parents, are reluctant to release our babies from our protective shelter and allow them the freedom to fly the nest. What if someone hurts them? What if they fail? What if something bad happens to them?
However - Isn’t that our job?
Isn’t our job to prepare them for the world? To allow them to learn from their mistakes, to experience life’s ups and downs while still within the relatively safe confines of home?
We try so hard as parents to protect our children when they are small that we often find it very hard to break out of this pattern when they are older. We want to tell them what to do, how to do it and when it should be done. Rather than allowing them to sort out their own problems, we try to solve them.
I, among all parents, am extremely bad about this. I want to shelter my girls; to protect them from perceived, potential and real threats to their safety, well-being and happiness. I fight this impulse every day. There are times when I cringe as I watch them run headlong into some adventure; when I am bracing myself for the stumble (literal or figurative) and for the tears that may follow. It hurts me when they hurt. It’s a real and physical reaction. My heart breaks when theirs does. My knees hurt when theirs are skinned.
One of the key components of Purposeful Parenting is to recognize and respect your child’s needs for Ownership and Control. One of the ways we can do this is to allow our children to make their own decisions and to learn through natural consequences. As hard as this is to do, it is critical if we want our kids to develop into adults who can stand on their own, make their own decisions, and deal with whatever life throws at them.
I don’t know about you, but as much as I love my girls, I don’t want to be responsible for their keeping when they’re 30! Our kids need us to let them fail. They need us to let them figure things out on their own, whether they come up with the right answer or not. They need to learn how to handle themselves when life throws them a curve ball. And, now is the time to learn… when they have the safety net of Mom and Dad to help them stand back up and dust themselves off and figure out what to do next.
So, my challenge for you on this July 4th holiday is to do this: Let your kids make a mistake – stand back and watch them, be there with a loving and supportive hand if needed, but let them fail. And then, resist the urge to lecture or preach about what they should’ve done or should’ve learned. Let them figure that out for themselves. You’ll be amazed.
I know I am whenever I do this. My girls surprise and delight me by their decisions and their behaviors. It makes me wonder where I’m selling them short in other areas. What talents and skills do they have that I don’t even let them test because I’m doing things for them?
Something to think about, isn’t it?
Remember, we didn’t get to be where we are today as a country without a few stumbles and mistakes along the way. That’s how we learn. That’s how we grow.
Happy Independence Day!

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